Stupefy
by mydickisthealpha
Summary: Mostly crack!fic, some serious parts though. Itachi is a sensei at a school. Naruto is a student at said school. Itachi is a pedophile. Naruto is a student that is hiding something. M, Hiatus
1. Think it's real?

**-S**_tupefy_

**B**_y: _**s**_tupefiedNarutard_

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_**NOTES: **I GOT MY INTERNET BACK!! Hells yeah. And I wanted to start a new story to celebrate it. This is an ItaNaru Crack. And since I am celebrating, this will be a mostly light hearted fic. Itachi + lighthearted crack equals OOCness, but it'll be good I assure you. Enjoy luffmuffins! I LOVE ITANARU!_

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**Stupefy- v. To stun or amaze profoundly; benumb.**

**C**_hapter _**1: T**_hink _**i**_t's _**R**eal****

****I'm a pedophile.

But I sincerely promise that you would be too if you met the student I was after. At first, I had completely no interest in anybody. Or anything for that matter. I could even care less for my little brother, who is an extremely spoiled idiot. Although I'm all he has as a parental figure, I don't pay him much heed, just because he doesn't take the heed.

When our parents seemingly vanished, as the police put it (those jackasses), my little Sasuke turned into a moody emo kid that needs a life...or a blow job, either one would work fine. I had to take care of him since I was older, and even though I was thirteen, I had a job also. So I took over the family Incorporation along with the nice mansion our parents left us.

From there I studied and graduated from college by the age of 16, turning my Incorporation into the best in the world. Quite literally. So Sasuke and I are now set for life and about 20 of the next generations are set as well. I became bored with my 'job' easily and hired a trustworthy team of misfits, who are also ingenious, to help out with it so I could go into a more exciting career. One of them is even a _good boy._

Turns out that teaching was good enough for me.

I am now at the age of 21 and I am teaching a bunch of little high school turds who still think that Kyoko breaking up with Takuto is big news. Woohoo! (Not being sarcastic here) Which is how my oddly colored, lifeless eyes fell upon the wonderful carbon based, bipedal life form known as Naruto.

It was the first day of school and I was teaching a group of sophomores for my first period. Of course I made Sasuke feel special by calling him little brother and making all the girls swoon and ramble incoherently about how sexiness runs in the family. They should've seen our grandfather. I'm a sarcastic little bitch, aren't I? Blunt too. I'm so unique. (Not being sarcastic _here_ either)

Anyways, I was teaching a group of sophomores for my first period class (I teach Advanced Art IV honors, which means very, _very_ talented artists are inserted as my students) and after the bell rings, in runs a very flustered blonde haired teen. I roll my eyes at his lateness (is that a word?) before looking at him and telling him that I do not accept tardiness (ahh, there's a better word).

He yells at me. It went like this:

"Oh yah, well, _some _of us aren't always perfect okay?!"

"Then you aren't meant for this class."

"Fuck you!"

"You'd like to, wouldn't you?"

"In your sickly perverse dreams, you old geezer!"

"Please see me after class."

"Gladly you asshole!"

"Good."

"Good."

Yep, very interesting. The fact that I didn't bust him for cussing made lots of people like me already, and my witty comebacks of course drew them in. But really, I hate all these students. One day I might crack and kill them all. Mwahaha. (No, really)

I finally looked up at him and for a second I froze and watched him stomp off to his seat beside a red head boy who smiled freakily at him. The thing that captivated me the most was his as-eyes. His eyes were unmistakably blue and full of everything. I began to think his eyes were part of some unnatural abyss of ... feeling. His face was rounder than most of the boy's faces in the class his age, and it was impossibly smooth, except for the three whisker like scars on each cheek.

His skin was tan and his blonde hair fell loosely down his head, some curving around his face, some sticking out in a weird way that was simply... artistic in itself. He had a fetish with fish nets. And the color orange. Which is weird because I have the same thing, save the orange. Except I like purple nail polish too.

He had a pout and I wanted to eat him. I need to stop hanging out in the teacher's lounge with Jiraiya and Kakashi, they force you to read kinky mansex porn. (Force I say!)

When I called roll I found his name to be Uzumaki Naruto. Since it was the first day, I assigned the students to make a short profile of themselves by making a collage. I sat down at my desk and pretended to be reading, but I silently surveyed everyone with my freakily colored eyes.

Naruto chattered nonstop to the weird guy beside him and I caught only few parts of the conversation (most of it being overrun by the girls talking about Sasuke). I got the words: pissed, ramen, ramen, pissed, bitch, hurts, Gaara, brother, ramen, sleep, and foster home. What I know about Naruto: Blue eyes of feeling, is pissed at me, has an unhealthy obsession for ramen, thinks of Gaara as a brother, something hurts, and he is an orphan.

What I know about Gaara:... ... ...kill.

Ok-ay.

Class ended and Naruto stayed behind, much to Gaara's discomfort. I was sitting at my desk. The conversation went as follows:

"Still want to fuck me?"

"Gawd you really are a pervert."

"I expect you to have an excuse for being late next time, Naruto-kun."

"Hai, Ita-sensei." He saluted at this point.

"Thank you, Naruto-kun, you are excused to go." And I wrote him a note for his next class. He smiled at me and bowed. I still want to eat him.

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Regular PoV, not past tense anymore

The ending bell of the first day back at high school rang annoyingly and many students walked around confusedly in the parking lot looking for their bus number. Uzumaki Naruto, however, began his long descent home by foot. Why? Because last year he was permanently kicked off the bus for fighting. More like defending himself.

His bookbag was already loaded with homework and papers to sign, which he'd most likely not do and forge. He sighed in defeat as he readjusted the damned bag that was likely to break in the next week. Because that's what always happened to him, and usually everyone else nowadays.

His footsteps were the only noise that graced him with it's presence and he sighed again. Maybe just to hear something, or maybe because the day had been tiring. First, he'd gotten almost all classes with the Uchiha bastard; second, he'd been late to Uchiha bastard's perverted brother's class and found the guy to be weird, but cool and; third, Gaara had gotten himself and Naruto into fight... _already._

Naruto smirked at the remembrance of the fight, reminiscing the moves he had used against his jock opponent. He felt oddly proud that he had kicked ass and gotten a D-1. Woohoo! (not being sarcastic here) The blonde carried a small sketch pad in his arms that he cradled like a baby. All of his thoughts and creativeness flowed into this sketch pad and no one would see it even if his life depended on it.

"Lose your bus priveleges again, dobe?" a smug voice asked from Naruto's waiting side. The red light in front of them just _had_ to come at this time. Naruto snorted and replied, "I could've, teme."

"You're such a moron." the black haired little ice bitch replied with a chuckle. Naruto rolled his eyes. "Is that all you can call me anymore? Geez Sasuke, I thought I'd actually have to be on my defense." the blonde glanced towards the driver of the car, which was supposed to be Itachi from what he guessed and sure enough, Itachi was looking at him too.

Naruto looked away quickly, his face heating. Why was he looking for Ita-sensei anyboat? Sasuke was glaring at him now and Naruto smiled widely in sarcasm. The light turned green and Itachi took off.

"Can you feel that?" a voice interrupted his staring, a hand snaking around his waist. "Aww shit." the voice continued, a tongue licking Naruto's ear. Suddenly, the body wrenched away and came in front of the poor, tormented boy.

"AW-AH-AH-AH-AH!!" he screamed and was about to continue his awesomely rocking song when Naruto bashed his fist on the man's head, a vein throbbing on his own.

"You're extremely strange, Orochimaru." Naruto observed as the black haired guy held his head and pouted.

"Itai, you're no fun, Naruto-kun! Did you see meh Sasuke-kun yet?" The teen asked. He was a senior with impossibly stringy, yet beautiful hair, with slanted golden eyes. He always wore purple eye shadow and his skin was abnormally grey. But the thing that freaked people out the most was the thing he called his tongue. Naruto shuddered at thoughts that popped into his head. He'd have to stop reviewing Jiraiya-sensei's kinky mansex porn books.

"You just missed him." Naruto replied lazily, beginning to walk again. The senior trailed behind him.

"You wanna stalk him?" Orochimaru asked in excitement, clapping his hands together at his brilliant idea. He seemed like an overenergetic five year old that ate too much candy and had a cup of caffeine... or Michael Jackson on crack. He blinked cutely at the blonde strolling along beside him, waiting for an answer.

"Nah. I'd much rather stalk his older brothe-" Naruto slapped his hand over his mouth and glanced at Orochimaru who was smirking smugly, now looking like a perverted adult that knew too much. He wiggled and giggled insanely and pointed at Naruto.

"You like Itachi!! MUAhHahAhAhhAhhahhLAkjsdfkaljdf!"

"I-..I do _not! _Sh-shut up, you queer!" Naruto growled, pouncing on his friend who was in a fit of hysterical laughter. Tears began falling down his jovial face as he tried to regain his breathing pattern. Naruto sat on him.

"Aiie! Get up Naruto-kuun! I...can't ... bre-athe!!!"

See, Naruto and Orochimaru hadn't known each other for long. Naruto had just recently moved to Konoha city over the summer and he happened to run into Orochimaru outside of a grocery store. They beat each other up and then went out to eat. They became friends instantly...well...after they both put their grocery carts in the same cart holder without tusseling. Orochimaru quickly learned the ways of Naruto's life and they had spent many a night sneaking out to escape everything.

They both knew what it was like, they were both outcasts.

Naruto looked down at his friend who was currently unconscious and smiled.

"Che, troublesome." A voice said lazily from behind the blonde and he was startled.

"Ano sa, Ano sa, Shikamaru..." Naruto said indifferently, that 'troublesome' line always got him in a bad mood. Shikamaru scratched the back of his neck and looked at Orochimaru.

"Did he try to stalk Uchiha again?"

"Nah, he was just being Oro-kun!" Naruto said cheerfully, setting a hand (well...more like slapping..) on the unconscious man's head. The man groaned and his eyes popped open.

"Well, Naruto, if you want to then..." Orochimaru said coyly and reversed their positions. He pinned Naruto's hands above his head and straddled his hips with his thighs. "You look so delicious like this Naru-kun, how are you still a virgin?"

"I hang around _you _and people run away!" Naruto yelled, a heavy blush spreading across his tan cheeks. He looked away, embarrassed. Shikamaru smirked at both of his friend's weird qualities. Orochimaru being the perverse senior, Naruto being the cute loudmouth. Shikamaru himself was... ah, too troublesome to decide.

"No, really Naruto. I could just eat you up! Why am I running after Sasuke, if I can have you?" Oro-kun purred into the blonde's ear. Naruto froze and his face turned blue in horror. He shoved Orochimaru off.

"HENTAI!" Naruto yelled, pointing an accusing finger, breath coming out forcefully, face cherry red. "Ican'tbelieveyouyousickoIshouldkillyouand-" and he kept rambling as he stomped off. Shikamaru sighed as he watched Orochimaru pout.

"Che, Troublesome."

---------------

"Will you not eat?" Itachi asked, his emotionless mask set firmly in place. The Uchiha manor was inexorably quiet, the sound of silence echoing listlessly through the entire mansion. The only sound was the clicking of the grandfather clock in the dining room, which was where Itachi and Sasuke were currently occupying.

"I'm not hungry." Sasuke said, looking at his food in repulsion.

"Bitch, eat the food." Itachi said, getting up and Sasuke looked at him quickly.

"W-what?"

"I said sandwiches are good. Which is what we are having tomorrow night because of your idle excuse for being a pussy."

"What did you call me?" Sasuke asked, standing up as well, slamming a pale fist on the table.

"I said you're being like De Bussy, he did something like you were. I don't think he was an asshole though."

"That's it!" Sasuke said, beginning to run towards Itachi. The teacher almost laughed. The other side of the table where Sasuke sat was a long way away. It looked sad as Sasuke began to lose his breath.

"All I said was that I don't think he liked apples though." Itachi said calmly and left the room. Sasuke crumbled to the floor, out of breath.

The teacher walked down the hall slowly, thinking over his day. His thoughts immediately traveled to a certain blonde haired boy. The way his look changed at the red light made Itachi wonder just what that boy was thinking. He wanted to know. He wanted to know _everything. _

But how could be obsessed from knowing the kid for one day? How could he want to know _everything_ by just a few argumentative words that were conversed? Why? Itachi was never known to have much feeling for anything, much less everything. Why now?

Itachi frowned, a weird kind of thing for him to do, but he'd been doing a lot of weird things lately. He'd actually _thought _of smiling. See, most people would think Itachi to be one of those freaky people that stabbed kittens for fun and drank Juicy Juice at 12:31:42 a.m. and then ran around with pants on screaming, "I'm naked!"

Because he didn't smile. Or talk much. And he loomed. LOoMed.

-cough cough-

He stopped abruptly and turned to his immediate left, placing his hand on the silver knob and turning it. He opened his door and closed it behind him, and then he threw himself on his bed and let out a long sigh. Much better.

He turned to his back, his black hair following his movements. Blood red eyes stared at the ceiling in thought. _If Naruto is late tomorrow, I'll give him detention with me and get to find out what kind of person he is. If he's like Sasuke, I'll give him a blow job and he'll feel better. I swear Sasuke has a broom handle stuck in his ass. _

Itachi turned to the side and closed those red, mysterious eyes; heavier, more serious thoughts clouding his mind. His good mood was promptly thrown out the window, memories of his childhood ruining the rest of his week.

No, Itachi was not all sarcasm and corky humor; he was actually very serious and... dun dun dunnnn, depressed. His foregoings as a child weren't so good and his life hadn't been so sweet as most people thought it could've been, or had been. No one really knew the _real_ Itachi, no one would ever know the real Itachi. And he liked it that way.

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sn: T-T I'm so proud of my parodish writing. Does anybody besides myself find ItaNaru sexah as hell and Sasuke to be an ice bitch?!


	2. To blow job or not to blow job?

**Disclaimer: **_Once upon a time, there was a man named Masashi Kishimoto, that created a manga/anime called Naruto. This little tale was about a boy named Naruto, or at least they claimed it to be... all I saw was Sasuke, why they didn't name it Sasuke is beyond me, that ice bitch. N-e-boat, they named it Naruto and so people took the characters, that they will never own, cuz of their greatness, and used them in their own carefully thought out plots. Hence, this fanfic. bahahhaha._

**Edit:**_** Thanks to Jetede's review... I thought to myself, "Stop being lazy, you ass, and frikkin' fix your damn mistakes!" So I did and I hope I got them all, because I'm still pretty out of it...**_

_**oooh, blesséd cold mediciiiine. **_

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**-S**_tupefy_

**B**_y: _**s**_tupefiedNarutard_

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__**NOTES: **__This is an ItaNaru Crack. And since I am celebrating, this will be a __**mostly**__ light hearted fic. Itachi + lighthearted crack equals OOCness, but it'll be good I assure you. Enjoy luffmuffins!_

_This chapter will be a little more serious than the last one... and I thank you all for your reviews! I love the Naruto fandom, esp. one's who dislike Sasuke as much as I! WOO! I'm not going to say I'm sorry for not updating as quick as others... cause I'm not sweatdrop . I update when I feel like it, but don't let that deter you, I'm not a bad person. I just do what I want when I want to. (plus exams were killing me!! Today is my...4th day outta school!) You should do that too other authors who are reading this... take your time, it's so much funner and writing is easier when it come to you. . Love you all though!_

_Warnings: Yaoi (which means mansex), sexual references, Orochimaru's tongue, Sasuke's bitchy-ness. ...If that ain't love then I don't know what love is. Ba da da dum. _

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**Stupefy- v. To stun or amaze profoundly; benumb.**

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**C**_hapter_ **2: B**_low _**j**_ob _**o**_r _**n**_ot _**t**_o _**b**_low _**j**_ob?_

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I woke up on the floor in the basement with a stream of light falling mockingly into one eye to remind me of my predicament. It seemed as if my step-father wanted me to get into as much trouble as he could, so he could use it as an excuse to hurt me some more.

I admit my lifestyle isn't the most perfect one and the sorry excuse for a father that I call Hasunuma isn't the most perfect citizen. He beats me. I can't say that it doesn't get to me. Even though I'm used to being beaten by a numerous amounts of foster parents, it still hurts to look at the scars and feel that hand hit me, or that boot break one of my ribs.

And I can't say that I don't feel lonely ever or I don't feel depressed. I can't lie to you in saying that I don't cry myself to sleep at night or sneak out when he forgets to lock my door. Gaara gets angered everyday he recognizes some flaw in the way I move or the discoloration of my skin from under the makeup. He says that since he and I are alike in so many ways that he knows how I move and how I feel perfectly and that he's memorized it. That part kind of scares me, but he's very thoughtful considering his outlook on life. -shudder-

But I do love Gaara like a brother. And then there's Orochimaru, the insane one. I haven't known him for too long, but I'm sure he'll always be the psychopathic freak. He's takes the 'the' out of 'psychotherapist.' You should hear him when he goes into a vehement speech about Sasuke. I have to admit that I used to find Sasuke's mysterious attitude alluring and sexy, I might of even been attracted to him. All that dissapated, though, when I talked to him one day in gym.

I asked him why he didn't talk to other people. He responded by saying, 'None of your business, dobe, maybe I don't talk because I don't want to end up having to talk to people like you everyday. Moron.'

I promptly gave him a bloody nose. Since then we haven't gotten along and Sasuke acts like a little pussy.Damn emo. Woo! Let me go drink bleach while slitting my wrists and running in traffic in a lightning storm! Pfft.

Yesterday I met the gaytard's older brother, Itachi-sensei. I found him frighteningly awesome. His face was completely stoic, no emotions backed up the hilarity spurting from those pink lips, besides a flicker of flame in his deep red eyes. I find myself drooling. I will admit that I find him interesting. Okay, I find him fucking sexy as hell. Damn Orochimaru, for his perverseness is rubbing off on me... literally. -shudder-

I look at the clock sitting in a random place on a wood board and realize the time. Well, late again and no excuse. Guess Itachi will just have to piss off. See? Fight the perverseness, Go Naruto, go! Wow. I'm even talking to myself, who'da thought?

Is it bad that I have to struggle to get up? I mean, really, you'd think Hasunuma would be smart enough to make it so I could walk, but nooooo, he likes making me incapable of regular bodily functions. Stop hurting head, my whole body hurts enough without your bitchin'. Might as well get up and get over it, or I'll miss first period completely.

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Regular PoV

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Itachi sat at his desk. Perhaps Naruto-kun was late again today? He certainly hoped he was. His red eyes roamed towards Gaara who was looking quite peeved at the moment. His black -outlined eye twitched every few seconds and he looked like the perfect image of sociopath.

_I wonder what kind of detention I should give him? _Itachi thought to himself, a blonde on his mind, and looked at his little brother. Lo and behold, his sibling was once again glaring at him icily, no remorse in those coal-black eyes. _And do I give a damn?...No._

His freaky eyes then fell back onto his stack of collages from yesterday. He had assigned each of them to draw the kind of things they liked to draw today so he could look over their collages in peace.

Gaara's was first...

The word 'kill' was everywhere across the page and at the bottom Gaara had drawn Itachi with his eyes poked out of his head. The words, 'Mine.' were printed above a cute Naru-chibi and Gaara was giving a victory sign. Itachi looked up and met Gaara's eyes with his own. They clashed for a moment, a bolt of lightning flying across their field of vision in aggressiveness. Itachi _almost _smiled sadistically as he tore the paper in half, but managed to stay with a barely noticeable smirk.

Gaara twitched violently.

Itachi congratulated himself on pwning a highschool adolescent and went on with his stack of poor craftsmenship. Finally, he found what he was looking for. A certain person's paper whose name rhymes with... Faruto... finally appeared. He carefully sat it on his desk and leaned over it, taking in every thing at once, but also singling out the things he liked best. His eyes scraped across the paper and rested firmly on his favorite part.

It was a picture in the middle of a burst of flame; a single picture of Naruto as a child. Where he got the picture from, Itachi wasn't sure. _Carrying around pictures of yourself is okay...yeah. _The picture was slightly torn and crinkled, had a burn mark on the corner and seemed faded, which resulted in a wonderful complement to the rest of the collage. Naruto was a child, arms curled around his knees, a small, sad smile on his face and in his eyes. Itachi wondered if maybe Naruto had endured something close to what he had. Maybe the kid even had it worse.

Just as Itachi was about to look at the rest of it and give Naruto an 100, in skidded said blonde, panting. The teacher turned his head to look at him and stated, "Detention after school today, Naruto-kun."

"Bwah? WELL I DON'T SEE WHY!"

"Perhaps it is because you are seemingly late and I clearly told you not to be tardy again or am I mistaken?" Itachi asked, staring Naruto in the eyes. The boy quickly averted his gaze, a pink color flushing his cheeks. Itachi found it quite... delicious. _Oh yes, must eat. Mmm, fox._

"I-I'm sorry! Geez, do I LOOK like an alarm clock?!"

"No, Naruto-kun, you do not look like an alarm clock, but... Nither do I. That does not prevent me from waking up when the sun hits my eyes in the morning."

"Well you obviously haven't slept in a secluded basement have you?" Naruto murmured under his breath, crossing his arms over his chest, his bottom lip protruding slightly in a cute pout.

"What was that?"

"I'M not a perfectionist like you are and I certainly don't wake when the sun hits my eyes. I control myself, I don't let others push me around, especially not a force of damn nature!" Naruto declared, puffing up with pride.

Itachi's glare turned icy. "Detention Naruto." he commanded, his whole demeanor changing from playful to hostile in a matter of seconds. Naruto noticed this and narrowed his eyes slightly. _Was it something I said?_ he thought, stomping off to his seat beside Gaara who looked very twitchy this morning.

Itachi sat back in his chair and looked at Sasuke, who was glaring at Naruto in a, 'You-don't-know-the-half-of-it' kinda way. The man almost sighed out loud and continued on with his checking, seeing that Gaara was filling Naruto in on the assignment.

Itachi didn't understand himself lately. He was losing his composure a lot more than usual, but perhaps it was just because of nerves. He was supposed to be presenting for his business on Sunday and speaking in public always brought him out in...well... public...yeah. He didn't like talking to all those... public people. Those kind of public people that were all public in all of their public-y-ness that made them... public.

Seriously, though, he didn't like hanging out around a bunch of fake enterprise tycoons ready to pounce on him because of his autarchic male chauvinism in the world of business. That is exactly why he started teaching and hired his "team" of geniuses. There were some things, though, that even they couldn't do since they didn't own the whole incorporation like he did.

Itachi looked at his last paper and shrugged it to the side, taking a moment to glance up at Naruto. The said energy ball was chatting away to Gaara again and he seemed to jerk his pencil around in anger as he talked incessantly. Gaara was staring intently at him, emerald eyes staying glued to Naruto's face, making the blonde look up.

"Ye-es?" Naruto asked melodiously, blinking at Gaara in confusion.

Suddenly the red head stood up, such a fast motion Naruto 'eeped' as Gaara leaned towards his face, his green eyes slitting to small, hard crystals.

"Stop lying, Naruto." Gaara growled out pretty loudly and everyone around fell silent. Naruto blushed at the attention and lowered his head away from Gaara' scrutinizing gaze.

"W-what are you talking about? I-i'm not lying." the blonde stuttered in defense and Itachi narrowed his eyes too. _Usually when you lie, you stutter or have to think about what to say. He's lying about something... but what?_

"Don't give me that _bullshit_, Naruto. I know you better than that. This _has_ to stop, or I'll _make _it stop-"

"No you won't!" Naruto yelled abruptly, standing up as well, with anger in his voice. "If you _ever_ do anything like that Gaara, I swear I'll hate you forever! You... can't throw away something that important..." he looked away again, a pink stain across his face. Gaara's...well... where his eyebrows would be, bunched up in a weird, constipated look. He sat down and started drawing without a word and Naruto let out the breath he had been holding out.

The blonde raised his hand shakily.

"Naruto-kun." Itachi said as quickly as he could, the kid looked like he was going to pass out.

"Can I go to the bathroom please?" Naruto asked, eyes downcast from Itachi's intense stare.

"Yes, but be quick about it." Itachi answered and he watched the kid scurry out of the door.

"Hah! Naruto is _so_ stupid, I mean, who has such personal conversations in class anyways? He's way weird!" A girl with pink hair, Sakura, said, covering her mouth with the back of her hand as she laughed snobbishly. Itachi wanted to stab her... with a fork.

...so it would be more painful for her.

Red eyes watched the clock like a cat watches the bird outside it's window, yet the time kept ticking and the cat never saw it's prey flit back and forth trying to entice him. What was wrong with Naruto?

"Sasuke." Itachi called suddenly, making his little brother look up in surprise.

"Yes?"

"Watch the class, I'll be back." he said, standing abruptly and moving to the door, black clothes swaying with his movements. Once outside the class he closed the door behind him and traveled quickly to the boys' bathroom. He paused outside of the door and listened to the faint sound of hiccups and sniffles. He narrowed his eyes.

He hated crying. He hated it more than he hated... other things... and that was really saying something. Momentarily deciding on a course of action, Itachi opened the door noisily, giving Naruto an ample amount of time to wipe the tears from his face.

Itachi moved around the wall of the bathroom opening and viewed a very pathetic looking Naruto wiping his nose on a small piece of tissue. He was balled up in the corner, knees pulled to his chest.

"Class is almost over." Itachi said monotonously. His face was placid as he stood a few feet away from his usually loud student. Naruto didn't look at him, a pink stain on his face, his nose a little red.

"I know... that's the point." Naruto said, apparently some sarcastic spirit left in him.

"...why are you crying?"

"I'M NOT CRYING!!" the blonde yelled suddenly, blue eyes flashing, infuriated. He stood and stalked over to his older teacher until he was right in front of him. "Don't think you can come in here and play the 'oh-I-care-about-my-students'-feelings' game and make it like you are doing the world some justice! All you wanna do is break me down, I've seen it before! So you can have some resemblance of something_ good_ to brag about with all your little buddies! 'Oh yeah, I helped this kid in my class once, yeah, he was a real nutcase.' I can see it now!"

Itachi stood motionlessly through that little speech and let Naruto scream at him. _He has something going on with him. Perhaps a situation similiar to mine? No matter. I should stop this. _

"Weakling."

"W-_hat?_"

"I didn't stutter."

"You bastard!"

"As long as you're the bitch."

"W-what did you just say?"

"I said I have an itch."

"Freak."

"Thank you." Itachi concluded and Naruto had relatively calmed down. He stared at his teacher increduously, head quirking to the side, eyebrow raising. He then sighed, placing a hand on his forehead, and proceeded to sniffle.

"Thanks." the young boy said quietly and Itachi nodded, although Naruto didn't see that since he was looking to his feet.

"Shall we venture to the hell hole?" Itachi gestured towards the exit of the bathroom and Naruto giggled.

"Yeah." he laughed and followed his teacher out.

_I wonder why... he makes me feel better._ Naruto thought and walked into the classroom behind his teacher.

* * *

"You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals, so let's do it like they do on the discovery channel, gettin' horny now-- OUCH!" a grey dude said in indignation, holding his head in dismay. "You are so violent, you kinky fiend!" he said loudly and the person who hit him sputtered.

"Sh-shutup! I'm tellin' you one day i'll freakin' snap and you'll be in the way! You're on the top of my hit list!" the blonde that had so pleasantly hit the man.

"I'm on top?"

"Yes... I MEAN NO!!" The blonde yelled quickly after he understood the pervert's meaning. "Shikaaa, Orochimaru is twisting my words again! Tell him to stoooop!" Naruto whined, hiding behind his friend.

"Oi, what a drag."

"Well, you're no help." Naruto deadpanned as they walked towards their favorite place to eat. Okay, Naruto's favorite place to eat. Ichiraku Ramen!

"I've got a lovely buncha coconuts, diddly-dee!," Orochimaru began as they walked in and Naruto wished he could hide himself under a big ass rock, or maybe even a cinder block is better...

"Welcome to Ichiraku Ramen! I'll be your waitress, Temari and-- oh Jesus, it's Naruto." the blonde said, horrified. She stared at Naruto for a moment and then suddenly flipped out. She ran, arms flailing, into the kitchen, shouting something about ramen-inhaling beasts, get your kitchen appliances ready! Soon after that announcement was made, there was a ruckus in the kitchen, where pots and pans were heard clashing and a chef laughed maniacally until there was a loud pong and the man was silenced. Or beaten over the head. Either one.

"Wow, Naruto, looks like you are famous around here."

"Either that or extremely sexy."

"Shutup."

"Sorry."

"Che."

Silence. Did you know that with every awkward silence, a gay baby is born? Seems like there would be an increase tonight as the whole restaurant was quiet after the uproar.

"I didn't know you were here, dobe. Couldn't eat at a higher cost restaurant because you're a poor loser?" said a voice from Naruto's right and the blonde rolled his eyes.

"You are so contradictory, Sas-gay. You just insulted yourself."

"..."

"He's very right, little brother." said another voice and Naruto glanced at Itachi quickly, a soft smile on his features.

"Hey, Ita-sensei." Naruto decided to say since he was feeling quite generous and very flustered at the mere thought of Itachi being a real person and eating at a ramen shop.

"Nice to see you, Naruto-kun." Itachi replied, usual stoic face on, but a glint in his maniaca-...his eyes. He flipped his ponytail over his shoulder and peeked over at Naruto's choice of companions. One, he recognized as Orochimaru who was in Art 1 because he needed a good grade to balance all of his other classes out and the other he didn't know.

The Orochimaru fellow was giggling like a pansy as he looked back and forth between Itachi and Naruto, a knowing glint in his golden eyes. He was also casting looks towards Sasuke who was glaring at Naruto still. It was all just an amusing triangle or decahedron of looks.

"I WILL KILL YOU!" Naruto whooped abruptly, sending a look of frenzy towards his friend and for a moment Itachi wondered if he suffered from some kind of tourette's syndrome, until the grey man beside him smiled wickedly and licked Naruto's ear.

"I told you to stop that!" Naruto yelled again and Itachi raised an eyebrow. So he did that frequently? Maybe he'd have to talk to Orochimaru sometime..."You damn lech! Go fuck something hard and sandpaper-y!" the blonde continued and a waitress, who seemed to be serving their table, twitched.

"Naruto, I can always call Gaara for you." she said, making Sasuke look at her like she was crazy. How would she know Gaara anyways? The only person who ever talked to Gaara was Naruto.

"That would be _nice._" Naruto emphasized the last word as he scowled at Orochimaru. Naruto really did look cute as his blue eyes stared grudgingly towards his friend. Orochimaru continued chuckling softly as the blonde twitched, unnerved.

"How troublesome... care to join us?" Shikamaru asked to Naruto's obvious aquaintances and the grey skinned man beside him nodded his head frantically, grabbing Sasuke and sitting him right beside himself. Sasuke raised an eyebrow as he found himself in a chair all of the sudden. _Did I do that... or am inhaling something I don't know about?_ he thought as he turned to look at the man beside him that licked Naruto's ear earlier before. _...Uh!_ he thought and jumped as he viewed the man. Talk about your Marilyn Manson wannabe.

Naruto himself made a place for Itachi, who gladly accepted the chair beside the little student he would molest one day. It wouldn't be long now... kukuku.

"I didn't know you liked ramen, Ita-sensei! What's your favorite? Mine's chashu! I really, really like it... and they just made a few more and-" Itachi gazed at Naruto's lips as the boy rambled about the pursuit of all happiness- a.k.a. ramen. They were so smoothe... so soft and pink looking... he wondered if they would be stained with the flavor of chashu?

"I like Miso ramen." Itachi answered, cutting the boy off. Naruto blinked at him and then grinned.

"Yeah, Miso's good too."

"Ready to order?" a female voice said and Temari whipped out her pen and handy-dandy...?

Notebook!

Yes, notebook! Naruto immediately went for the kill, but Temari was ready and she slashed marks of letters and names down on her paper, quickly turning the page as fast as Naruto rambled. She was pro at this... oh yes, the _queen_ of taking orders from Naruto. Everyone else paled in comparison to her awesome order taking skills. Her forehead glistened with sweat as she flipped another to another clean page, never fumbling with the blonde vacuum's order.

Sasuke was staring lifelessly at the blonde as he rambled almost incoherently. Orochimaru was staring at his nails, as if the sight was normal and Shikamaru was sleeping...while sitting up. Itachi watched in almost wonder...if he was the kind of person to be in awe of such a feat as clearing the ramen shop out. He'd show his little brother what insane was.

After Naruto stopped talking and added a drink to that order, Temari sighed in relief since her hand was getting quite tired. She glanced at Orochimaru, who ordered seafood style-oyster ramen, then to Sasuke, who ordered Chicken Ramen, then she looked at the object of her hear-

-that guy that was sitting there like an idiot and hit him with her handy-dandy...?

Notebook!

"Oi, what the hell?" Shikamaru asked lazily as he looked up at the bitch who'd hit him. Such troublesome women in the world today!

"Order, damnit!" Temari yelled, one hand on her hip.

"Whatever Prince is having." Shikamaru motioned towards Orochimaru, who blinked indignantly.

"I resent that statement." he declared, picking up his fork and jabbing it at the air. "Stop referencing me to older singers who looked like women!!"

"Okay...sorry, make that whatever Alanis Morisette is having." Shika grunted and Naruto started cackling(1). The silken haired man raised his hands to his own neck and mimicked a choking...and then he pointed at Shika with narrowed eyes.(2)

Temari rolled her eyes, jotting down the order while thinking that her Go- that dude was a little funny. She turned then to the beautiful man who was sitting quietly through most of this. "For you?" she asked, pen loose in her fingers.

"I'll have--" and that's when Naruto found his match, Temari's hand fell off, Sasuke's eyes bugged from his head, and the chef died of a heart attack.

* * *

Naruto hummed to himself as he walked home from Ichiraku's. He had had a satisfying time, battling Itachi in consumption of noodles, playfully bantering about art, and trying to figure out how many famous people looked like Orochimaru. He honestly liked Ita-sensei a lot... kinda like he liked Jiraiya, Iruka and Kakashi, three people he enjoyed hanging out with a lot. Yet, there was something there he just couldn't quite figure out.

Uzumaki Naruto was a young boy, never the one to go on dates or even have any of those feelings for anybody, besides Sakura and Sasuke. He didn't know like from _like_. He didn't know anything about feelings because... well... feelings were absent from his life.

Sure, he loved Gaara, he _knew _he loved Gaara... but it was in a brother and friend for life kind of way, like if he lost him he'd never be the same because Gaara felt like _family._ The blonde didn't really understand that relationship either and didn't go further into it when he thought. He loved Temari and Kankuro also because they were at Gaara's house and they accepted him too.

But this kind of feeling he had developed when around his exceptionally hot teacher was abnormal and he didn't quite like the fluttering in his stomach. It was... uncomfortable, yet he adored the sensation. Naruto vowed to himself he wouldn't look into it, he'd give up where he stood and wouldn't bring it up again. Sometimes it's better to suppress such things.

Naruto sighed in dejection though. His house was just around the corner... and so was Hasunuma.

* * *

Uchiha Itachi was irritated. An irritated Uchiha did _not _bode well. Here he was, currently stuck in a formal business, hot as hell, with..._people. _How he wanted to lacerate each one with some kind of sharp object. They were phony, perverted (hypocrite), power hungry bastards, touching him with their greasy hands and spitting at him lies of perfection.

Itachi was not one for parties, unless it was being thrown by him or his crazy ass subordinates who were currently stationed around the whole business room, playing _secret agent_. The one with blonde hair over one eye went flying by singing something along the lines of, 'Do do do do DO do... dunanaaa, dunanaaaa, dunanaaaa, dun-duN!', his hands poised in the air, clasped together like they were the gun. One with spiky blue hair was humming the 'Jaws' theme while he circled the food table like predator.

Oh, what fun parties they had. Good times, go-od times.

Itachi was appearing calm on the outside, while he was forced to go make an announcement.

"Ahem." Attention was immediately set on him, even his...playful... minions... slowed down to look at him expectantly.

"Thanks to the increase in the stock and rising use of our products and services around the world, Sharingan Incorporated has now expanded further, outranking business worldwide. With your continued support and cooperation, we can make it to the very top and secure our position as leaders."

An applause, a loud romp of ugly geezers in stupid, expensive suits.

Why did Itachi have to be born a Uchiha?

The black haired man stepped down from the podium, eyes set on the exit, when a hand held him in place.

"Itachi-kun, it's been a while." a velvet voice announced, that hand never dropping it's position from Itachi's shoulder.

"Indeed it has, _Leader_." Itachi spat venemously, eyes boring into the man's that had helped in creating the mess that was his life. He shrugged the hand from his shoulder and stepped back to observe the man. He hadn't changed.

"Oh, come now, Itachi-kun...it's not that bad seeing me, is it? After all, I _am _funding your business, aren't I?"

"I suppose you are, but there are a lot of people out there with just as much money as you."

"Ah, but no one as _trustworthy _as me. I worked with your father, you know I wouldn't _ever_ betray you in the slightest." that eloquent man played his words well, but Itachi wasn't deterred.

"We'll see. Deidara, Kisame, Tobi, Sasori. We leave now." Itachi articulated into the air, it seemed, but 4 men perked visibly and began their route towards the exit.

See, just because Itachi might've gotten bored with his business life didn't mean that that was the only reason he chose a job as a small, insignificant teacher. His life was threatened... almost everyday. Life in the small town where he teached was a bit easier than living in a big city like he was in now. That's why he also had his bodyguards/minions/genius people... he didn't want to die yet.

He wanted to reconstruct the Uchiha name by making the business he owned into a business that helped. Yet, with such a lucrative métier... he couldn't help the greedy people that desired the power _he _had. Such was the life of a young Uchiha heir.

* * *

-(1) Naruto really does cackle. Reference to the episode where Orochimaru declares he will bring back **Dan** (of all the names...) and...that kid who looks like Naruto with brown hair... his name is on the tip of my fingers... I just can't remember... I think there's a K in it somewhere. Whatever. But, after Naruto scratches the lotto card, his frog is full and he starts talking to the cute little wallet... and then, while we hear Jiraiya thinking to himself, you can hear Naruto's cackling in the background.

-(2) I almost forgot to tell you, I love older singers who look like women... even Micko! HeeHeee! That's classic music right there. I just want your extra time and uh...dunananannana, Prince!! (that's my lyrics right there!) I'm 15. Forgive me. I also like Alanis Morisette... she can't help her little familiarity to Oro.

**I hope that was long enough for you all. I really struggle lately with writing since my life isn't going so great. Plus, I'm terribly sick right now... in summer, my first week. You suck, germs!! Anyways, please review if you get the chance, it inspires me to write more... usually. Thanks again to those who DID review and declared Sasuke thee ice-bitch of the century and agreeing that Itachi was sex-on-legs. Anyways, you guys can all stand under my umbrella-ella-ella-eh-eh-eh. **

**Edit: His name was Nawaki (Tsunade's bro)!! I remembered right after I posted it! Wooo! Go me!! Anyways, as I said, I tried to clean up, but if I didn't get it all, please point it out and I'll try again. **


	3. Assassin?

**Disclaimer: **_I do what I like, just when I like and how I loooove it. But srsly, what a thrill it is to say I'm livin' la vida loca. Okay, okay, so I'm trying to avoid saying Naruto isn't really mine. You've all heard this before, if it was mine... it'd be filled with...._

_BUBBLES!!_

**-S**_tupefy_

**B**_y: _**s**_tupefiedNarutard_

_**NOTES: **__This is an ItaNaru Crack. And since I am celebrating, this will be a __**mostly**__light hearted fic. Itachi + lighthearted crack equals OOCness, but it'll be good I assure you. Enjoy luffmuffins!_

_Omigod I miss my computer so muchuuuchaaaahhhh... Yep. My computer finally died on me... along with all my fics. I'm so damn sad about that. I wish I could get it back and all the work I put into that darn thing. I knew I should've gotten a USB drive. Oh well, no use cryin' over spilled potato soup. At least I have this one on lone. I'm determined to update at least this one chapter!! FUCK JOOOO EBIL COMPY._

_I love all the people who were demanding, "MOAR CHAPTERS NAO!!" and making me feel loved. I appreciate it. I'm also listening to that Living in the Sunlight song from Spongebob. Yeah, I still watch that. It makes me laugh like a retard. XD And someone, on one of the reviews, told me they knew a person named Ham. To answer your rhetorical question, I think his mother _did_ want to eat _something_ when he was born. I'm super sorry about the updating once a year thing, but if it makes you feel any better... I re-did this chapter multiple times. _

**WARNINGS:**_Sexual references, language, Yaoi, abuse, OOCness. BEEEEP._

**Remember peoples, some of this will be serious. I didn't say ****all****of the story wasa gunna bea crack....a...**

**homie. So, I think this one will be pretty serious. -le gasp- Does this story have a plot?**

_----_

_\\\\\\\_

**Stupefy- v. To stun or amaze profoundly; benumb.**

-----

**C**_hapter _**T**_hree: _**A**_ss-ass-in._

-----

"And I'll fuck you over you stupid guard! Oh yesss, you'll pay for raising the stupid alarm! Gah damnit! I can't take out my sword, I'ma gonna die!!" a voice called from the living room of Shikamaru's house. The aforementioned lazy genius sighed. Couldn't Orochimaru be a little bit quieter when he played video games?

The boy was currently in his kitchen making dinner for the two of them. His parents weren't home, like always, and Orochimaru felt like staying over. Naruto had said his father wouldn't let him come over, so he was at his own house. Shikamaru flipped the burger over and wondered over the day. It was... boring.

His day has consisted of getting up, taking a shower, eating breakfast, going to class, falling asleep, the bell waking him up, going to his next class, falling asleep, and the whole vicious cycle turned around and around until the last period bell rang and he met up with his weird ass friends.

"Shiiiiiit!! HIDE, HIDE, HIDE!! Get in the stupid haystack!!" Orochimaru screeched and Shika could hear his fingers stabbing at the poor, abused buttons of the xbox controller.

"Alright Orochimaru, what the hell?" Shikamaru walked into the living room, only to be assaulted by a flying controller. You could hear a gasp from Orochimaru.

Shikamaru sat staring at the ceiling. Did the black haired freak that looked like a serial killer version of Patsy Cline just clock him in the head with a game controller? Seriously, did that just happen? He was brought out of his musings by the sound of hissing laughter.

Abruptly, Shikamaru sat up. He kind of looked like Michael Myers when he did that... to Orochimaru at least. The lazy boy's eyes were shining dangerously as he glared at his poor friend who threw on the kicked puppy look in case murder was about to ensue.

"You wanna play Assassin's Creed, huh? I'll show you what an Assassin's Creed is!" Shikamaru shot up and the chase of the century followed shortly.

-----

Naruto could've sworn he heard a shriek that sounded akin to Orochimaru's somewhere in the distance. He shrugged it off and continued to the dishes piled in the sink. He had barely eaten anything, but Hasunuma's friends were currently over, playing card games and doing crack. He heard the tinkle of beer bottles touching one another in a toast.

He hated these nights the most. Hasunuma's friends were a bit rowdy and a lot loud, choosing shouting over civil conversation. The blonde sighed to himself, wondering how many plates 5 people could dirty up in one night. Who were they, Paris Hilton? Wait... did that even make sense?

The blonde set the last dish into the drying rack and wiped his hands with a small, white cloth. The boy tiptoed across the kitchen floor to the door that lead into the living room. Peaking into the room, Naruto viewed the smoke filled area with disgust. Ugh. He could just picture someone coming over right now. _Oh, yeah, well, you see... this is an Indian reservation area and they are allowed to smoke all kinds of assortments of drugs while we live here._

Rolling his eyes, the blonde pushed the door open slowly as not to attract attention. He began walking cautiously towards the stairs. He was so close, it was only a _few_ steps from the kitchen door and--

"Ah, Naruto, finished the dishes already?" a voice said loudly, making everyone look over towards him. _Fucker._Naruto thought sourly as he turned around and smiled sweetly.

"Ahaha... yeah." he responded quietly, searching out Hasunuma's face from his group of friends. He found it easily enough, it was the only one that haunted him in his thoughts.

"Why, Naruto, won't you come over and meet my newest business partner? We all call him Leader, you should do the same," Hasunuma spoke, standing up and pointing towards his new buddy. "Leader, this is my little bitch, Naruto."

Naruto flinched at the title he was given. Apparently, this was a friend that didn't care about domestic abuse either. He walked quickly over to the table the men were all sitting at and he bowed, "Nice to meet you, Leader-sama."

"Ahh, finally I meet Naruto. The boys talk about you frequently. They _said _you were a cute little thing. They don't give you enough credit." Leader extended his hand towards Naruto, obviously wanting him to take it. Naruto obeyed the authoritative command.

Leader pulled him over roughly, Naruto falling onto the man's chest. Leader wasn't ugly or repulsive, he was frightening. Even though his face was pretty, his eyes were crazy. Even though his hands were soft, his actions were rough. And Naruto was truly afraid.

Leader sat Naruto on his lap, so that the blonde was sitting comfortably-if he could _be_ comfortable in that situation- on his firm legs. Naruto's face blushed pink, his body posture stiff and uncompromising. The man was slow with his movements, rubbing his nose against Naruto's long, flawless neck.

He continued rubbing his nose along his face, letting his lips brush carelessly on his cheek once or twice. Naruto gulped, Leader's hands caressing the boy's firm stomach. Suddenly, the man latched onto Naruto's neck, sucking on it. The blonde gasped, making a 'k-hhh' sound as the older man licked at the sensitive juncture between his shoulder and neckline.

"Ohohohooo, Naruto's responding well to this, look at that blush on his pretty little face." One of Hasunuma's buddies barked with laughter, making the other men chortle boisterously. Hasunuma narrowed his eyes. Of course, he couldn't do anything about this... this was his business partner, a very lucrative assessment for his establishment.

Naruto held his breath, wishing he had more dishes to do, wishing he could run away, go to Orochimaru, or Gaara, and hide forever. He wish he had enough strength to tell him to stop, but he didn't. He was _afraid._

"We'll continue this some other time," the man whispered only loud enough for Naruto to hear and the boy was relieved and terrified at the same time. Some other time? Continue _what?_

Naruto was pushed off of Leader's lap, blue eyes widening as he tripped over his feet and landed sharply on the ground. "Naruto," he heard from his right, "go to bed, you have school tomorrow." Hasunuma said a bit angrily and Naruto knew it wasn't the last time his foster father would speak to him that night.

----- Next Morning-----

Itachi stared at the coffee maker in the teacher's work room.

It wasn't working.

He twitched in one eye, possibly thinking that would make it spit out the coffee he so desired.

Although he wouldn't ever admit it, Itachi depended on the sweet sensation of caffeine waking his body up. He was reluctantly addicted to coffee.

Another minute ticked by as he glared at the damned machine; not even a drop would come out! He looked to the left...and to the right...Clear.

Grabbing the appliance in his hands, he began to shake it. "Work you goddamn piece of-"

"What are you doing Uchiha-sensei?" Itachi froze in mid-shake, the coffee maker in the air, his face blank. The teacher looking at him was an older woman, clearly appalled at the behavior of the young man in front of her.

"Evidently, I am abusing the coffee maker. Now, if you'd be so kind as to leave me alone, I'd like to abuse it some more so it will give me my energy." Itachi explained, not really caring to lie. Hey, it was what he was doing, was it not?

"It's not even plugged in." the teacher said fearfully, the man with the object in his hands scaring her immensely. He seemed likely to snap at any given moment. She wouldn't be surprised if he decided to shave all of his hair off right then and there and try to serenade her with, "Hit Me Baby One More Time."

Itachi narrowed his eyes and looked at the cord.

Oh.

The older woman slowly edged away as Itachi set the coffee maker down and fiddled with the plug. Itachi stood back up and turned, ready to thank the lady for pointing out the problem, but she was gone. He shrugged and turned back to watch the liquid filling up the glass container.

------

"POUR SOME SUGAH ON MEEEHHH, oooh, in the name of looooove!!" Orochimaru wailed as Naruto and Shikamaru followed him from a safe distance. "C'mon, take a bottle, shake it up. Break the bubble, break it uuuup!"

Naruto scrunched his nose up. "Is it me or is he even more hyper than before?" The blonde watched the black haired male use a long piece of grass as a guitar, head banging every five seconds. Orochimaru looked positively deranged...If that was any difference from how he looked everyday...

"He's just excited because he heard a rumor that Kakashi-sensei's class is doing this husband-wife thing."

"Lemme guess, Sasuke's in his class?" Naruto asked with a monotone.

"What else would it be?"

"I dunno, maybe he finally found a way _not _to look like Ozzy Ozbourne." Naruto said seriously, watching Orochimaru throw a trashcan in his excitement of being a rockstar. This was the most amusing thing Naruto had seen since...the last time he saw Orochimaru.

"Naruto!" the long-tongued man turned abruptly, directing his gaze towards the poor unfortunate soul that was his whisker-scarred friend. "Love is like a bomb, baby c'mon get it on!"

"Shutup Orochimaru, or you'll soon be gone, yeaahh!" Naruto sang in the tune Orochimaru has been using before. The grey skinned man stopped in his passionate serenading and scowled.

"You are just jealous of my beautiful skillz."

"Skillz of scaring people off." Naruto replied, sticking his tongue out and smiling. Shikamaru shook his head, glad the school was coming into his vision. He didn't know if he could fend off the two that were staring each other down.

"I just know that I'll get Sasuke if I ask Kakashi nicely!" Orochimaru announced excitedly, flicking his tongue out. Naruto watched it apprehensively. If it got anywhere near him, he'd scream.

"You mean blackmail Kakashi nicely?" Naruto asked, raising one eyebrow and crossing his arms as the trio made it across the large front lawn of the school.

"No! How is using pictures of Kakashi and Iruka together in the janitor's closet that I was hiding in whilst skipping to make him make Sasuke my partner blackmail?"

"Ummm..."

"Orochimaru you're a douche." Shikamaru said as he left the group for his locker.

"I love you too Shikamaru!" Orochimaru smiled and turned to look at Naruto. "Hey, you need more makeup, buddy, I can still see some cuts and bruises on your face and neck."

Naruto frowned. "Really? I thought I got it all. Okay, I'm going to the bathroom then. See ya later."

"Naruto."

"Yes, Severu-- Orochimaru?"

"I can _help _you if you'd let me." the golden eyed teen stared at Naruto for a long moment, waiting for a response.

"We've talked about this you baffoon." Naruto smiled sweetly and took off.

----

If there are gods out there, surely they are laughing at me. First it was that coffee-maker, that I'm sure is in cahoots (did I just say that word?) with someone that might be a person who would be in cahoots with another person so that they could mess up my already messed up life... Then it was that horrifying cat that reminded me of Zetsu as he gnawed on my leg... the cat, not Zetsu. Then I spilled chocolate milk all over the principal, Tsunade's, white blouse (actually that was amusing because half of the teenage population mysteriously had to make a trip to the bathroom with their hands covering their private areas)... Now I'm currently being used as a prop in Kurenai's Cosmetic's class, which is the last class of the day.

She's applying mascara to my "really girly eyelashes," as she enjoys calling them. I suppose she is right, though, for I inherited my mother's lashes. Sasuke got Fugaku's. Smug fool.

I guess it's okay, though, because I can see Naruto's blushing face. When I found out he was in cosmetics, it made me wonder... Was Naruto gay? He took art... he didn't seem to show any interest in the female population...(in fact, _he_didn't mysteriously have to use the bathroom when I purposefull- accidentally spilled milk on Tsunade.)

Isn't that all the more reason to boink him?

Wouldn't he enjoy that?

I suppose Naruto is blushing for the reason that he's been found out. Or it could be the fact that my girly eyelashes are too much for him to handle. God, I'm a beast.

Anyways, Kurenai is rambling now. Wait, is she grabbing lipstick? I said my eyelashes only.

------

What the fuck is he doing in here? And... why is allowing himself to made-up? Is he gay? I bet he's gay. That's why he leers at me. And why he wears nail-polish. I just thought he was one of those emo people. The one's that freak up their eyes to make them look mysterious and wear nail polish because somehow that makes them cool...

_Gay._

But, fuck, he found out I'm in this class and he'll use that as an excuse to try and boink me because he'll think I'm gay! But maybe I am gay. Tsunade's wet t-shirt didn't even effect me. Damnit, I don't want to be gay because then I'll turn into what I call Sasuke everyday.

Le Sigh.

How unlucky is this day? First it was Hasunuma, then it was that lady that ran into me rambling something about Britney Spears and coffeemakers, then it was that weird cat that tried to gnaw my leg off... and then I have to hear about how Orochimaru is Sasuke's husband... or wife... What a long day...

-------

"Now, for the application of the lipstick. Lipstick isn't that much in style these days, so you can only pull it off for really fancy occasions, or if you're me." Kurenai smiled as her female class and Naruto laughed at her small joke. She turned to Itachi, who had his eyes narrowed dangerously, as if saying, 'Don't you dare marr my badassness with makeup.' "Itachi here is so nice for letting us use him. His face is absolutely perfect for makeup... It's like a smooth baby's bottom." Naruto burst out laughing from his spot in the middle of the classroom.

'Too late,' his eyes said, weeping.

Kurenai grabbed a shade of deep red, darker than her own. "This is the classic, chic night look. Remember class, 'Night isn't bright, but day is gay!'" Naruto grabbed his stomach as he guffawed loudly. "Like Itachi-sensei!"

Some of the girls gasped at Naruto's brazenness. Was he trying to get killed, or was that murderous aura from Itachi not even penetrating Naruto?

Haha, Itachi...penetrating...haha... Naruto...NO! This was a life and death situation...not to be treated lightly.

Kurenai glared at Naruto. Make-up was serious... if Naruto didn't feel that way... well...

"Naruto! Thanks for volunteering!"

"Ahahaha- huh?" the look of confusion on his face was priceless.

"You'll be the day example."

"Or should she say gay example?" Itachi said from his stool, evil glint in his eyes. The girls in the class giggled in their... girliness.

"B-but I didn't eve-"

"Now." Kurenai said dangerously and Naruto squeaked as he scampered to the stool beside Itachi. Kurenai turned around, the evil bitch, to inform the class what shades she was using for Itachi and she turned around and started to apply the make-up.

"Really, girls, if we didn't have such horrible hormones our skin would be like this too. Itachi and Naruto's faces are perfect for this demonstration. Such pretty structure." The girls kept giggling gir...e..ly. "I'm applying a light bronzer to Itachi's pale skin to help match with his darker lipstick. He's very pale and, even though dark can go with pale, you don't want to be too pale or you'll look dead next to the lipstick." Naruto shuddered. That was him next...

--------

"What... the... hell?" Shikamaru asked as Naruto met up with him after school.

"Don't ask." Naruto grumbled, trying not to attract much attention, but failing epically.

"You look like Orochimaru."

"Oh god, it's worse than I thought."

"Shika, Naru--woah!" Orochimaru stopped in his tracks, mouth open, staring unapologetically at Naruto. He was silent for a little bit until he suddenly burst into spontaneous chatter. "OmgNarutoyoulooksocutewheredidyougethatshadeitmatchesyoureyesperfectlyandIcan'tbelieveyoufinallytookmyadvice-"

"Kill me."

"Che."

"-andifyoucouldonlyseehowprettyyoulookrightnowthenyouwouldrealizeyouwouldwanttofuckyoutoo-"

"Wait a sec... wait a minute. Oh my god you guys!" Naruto yelled, making people around him chortle. Damn, he just sounded so gay... Ohmygodyouguyyyyysss! He could slap himself! He lowered his voice to a whisper. "You guys have to help me get this stuff off. Who knows what Hasunuma will think or do when he sees this!"

Orochimaru stopped his babbling quickly, glancing at Shikamaru who nodded. "Sure thing." the lazy genius confirmed, turning and walking off. Orochimaru pulled Naruto along to the washroom.... even though he looked so darn gorgeous. He'd have to sneak a picture...

------

"You look gay." Sasuke said, lip curling in disgust.

"You are gay." Itachi replied, face stoic as ever. He splashed water on his face, rubbing softly... after all, he didn't want his flawless face marred by early wrinkles... besides the huge ones running from the corner of his eyeballs to the middle of his face. That he got from Fugaku and stress. Why couldn't he just inherit everything from his mother?

"What'd you say?"

"I'd like some play today, what do you say?" Itachi turned to his little brother, wiggling his eyebrows, face still expressionless. It was like his face was stuck like that. Who could ever take him lightly?

"You're gross."

"Your face is gross."

"Cause that was mature."

"And you smell like manure."

"What the hell is wrong with you?"

"Asian flu."

"Fucking stop!"

"I'm not a cop."

"I'm leaving, asshole."

"Don't let the door hit you on the way out." Sasuke stared at Itachi for a minute, before turning away and stomping off. Itachi sighed. What a long day. Kakashi-sensei had flirted with him in the teacher's lounge after he'd left Kurenai's classroom. And he'd noticed something.

Naruto had been limping the entire day. He looked as if he was in pain if he tried to walk too fast. There were multiple alternatives to that suggestion... and Itachi didn't like any of them. One of them made him jealous, the rest just made him pissed. Of course, he wouldn't admit that to anyone very soon.

-------


End file.
